Introverted mama stories

It’s not that I don’t like going out… really! It’s that I don’t like being around people. I have this (irrational?) fear that people won’t like me, so I would rather not be put in a situation that may cause me embarrassment. Is it normal to feel this way? My husband doesn’t understand, and is always pushing me to do things I don’t want to do. He thinks I need to confront my anxieties to beat them. You can’t spring something on me; I need to know ahead of time if I am going someplace – even a friends house – so I can mentally prepare to go out. That’s not always easy when you have children.

My son has a medical disability. It is nothing that hinders his education, however it does impact his life greatly. I know this. His teachers know this. He has missed a lot of school due to double digit surgeries, specialist appointments, and side effects from chemotherapy drugs. He can’t participate in gym class, as it would be dangerous for him if he were to get hit in the head. Poor kid.

So, his class had a field trip, and it was to this camp for 3 days that allowed the children to do some activities that were a little more dangerous than what they would do in gym-class. Activities like wall climbing, zip lining, etc.. The school would not allow my son to go on this field trip unless his father or I could chaperone; they couldn’t risk being liable if he were to get hurt. I figure he isn’t going to want to go anyways, right? Wrong. My son really wanted to go on this trip. That’s ok, his father can take him, right? Nope! His father was unable to get the time off from work. Crap! What do I do? I KNOW that this is something I am mentally incapable of, but my son doesn’t ask for much (well, he didn’t at that time anyhow… now that he’s older, he asks for a lot!) so I put my insecurities aside, and sign up to chaperone.

I never felt so out of place. The other parents all knew each other from previous field trips and functions that I typically avoid. I knew no adults at this camp. Talk about uncomfortable. Have you ever been in a situation where people talk and look at you, and you just know they are talking about you? Yup, that was happening. To make things worse, there were no coed cabins, so I couldn’t even sleep in the same cabin as my son – literally the only person I knew on this trip. Luckily, there were 3 girls that bunked with me that were really good kids.

I wanted so badly to be the parent my son needed. I wanted to participate so he wasn’t left out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do all of the activities he signed up for. I was so glad that his teacher could tell how anxious I was, and offered to be responsible for him for the activities I couldn’t do. Teacher of the year right there!

My son had a blast! I am so glad I put on my big girl pants and went on this field trip so he could go. He really is such a good kid. He has been through so much in his young life, he deserves to have fun and be able to act like a kid. I hope I can be at least half as good a parent as my mom was. Is that possible when you have anxiety disorder and panic disorder? I certainly hope so.