Introverted mama stories

I have been struggling lately… like really hardcore struggling. Since day 1, my husband has known I have no tolerance for drugs or alcohol. When we met, he had been sober for 5 years, and we were on the same page. We got married, happy couple, all good. Then he decided he wanted to be able to have the occasional drink. The occasional drink turned into frequent drinks, which turned into binges. He is a complete asshole when he drinks. We have been fighting about it for years now, and I have contemplated leaving him. More than contemplated, actually – I told him I wanted a divorce. Then it’s “I’ll be better… have a little faith in me… please… you don’t love me anymore?… it will be better, I swear… I won’t be out late, I promise…” Then he comes home late one night and tells me he has a problem. He has been snorting cocaine. Why?? I don’t understand why he chooses to keep doing things he knows I am not ok with. I don’t know how to leave him, and I am absolutely miserable. He pretty much forces me to kiss him and say I love you, when I have put such a wall up between us. I don’t want to live this way. I want the man back I fell in love with and married. I just don’t know what to do…

He says he hasn’t been using, but he lied to me about it for so long, and hangs out with the guy that he got it from. I have no trust, and I don’t think I ever will. He got home late last night drinking, with his coke friend, and they stayed up all night “talking” about starting a business. My husband claims his coke friend knows not to offer it to him anymore, that all his friends “know.” Know what, exactly? That your wife isn’t cool? That she “controls” you? So he fell asleep on the chair, and I woke up at 6:30. I looked at him, wondering what they did all night because I have no trust, and I SWEAR I saw white in his right nostril. I called him out on it and he vehemently denies doing anything. “I swear we didn’t do anything wrong last night.” Then I wonder about word play – is it because it was technically this morning? Or define “wrong”. Who knows. I just know my head is spinning and I can’t stop thinking, and I want a divorce daily. I just don’t know how. Which I find strange because I was married once before and managed to file for divorce. What is wrong with me?